Hello friends – Welcome back to the Bachelor, season 84. Let’s start with an introduction. I’m the Bach Blogger, and … I can’t quit you, Chris Harrison. You build me up (buttercup), tease me with all of those fancy adverbs and adjectives about what’s coming later in the season / show, and leave me with my shoes in my hand and a tear on my cheek. This may be the final rose tonight, but we will stick together until we get this right. Until every star-crazed dreamer gets her picture in US Weekly, until every Ben & Jerry’s pint across the nation is consumed while devouring your previews and exit interviews, and until every single man and woman in America make a fool out of themselves on national television, we will keep fighting to provide entertainment and a window into the world of people searching for that love thing.
Episode one is in the books! Our Bachelor is Ben. He had me when he started tickling the black and white keys. I would assume that is more attractive than eating a big bag of Doritos in front of a woman, but you’d have to ask my Bach Bloggerette about that one. I haven’t watched this show in the company of someone I very much care about before, so we’ll see if that mellows the manly man in me into someone who can appreciate sensitive items such as a term I’ve heard called “feelings.”
Ben’s pretty chill, which I like. I think he’s going to be in a good place somewhere in the middle of the sincerity confuses me (think Daniel Tosh) to sarcasm confuses me (think On the Wings of Love!!! Jake Pavelka) scale. I hope Ben finds a nice Havarti to match his Merlot. (Please hold your breath if you want to explain to me THAT cheese doesn’t go with THAT wine. I have recently learned that there is more to wine than “white” or “red,” that you can order something other than those two previous options with the word “house” in front of it, and that gargling isn’t one of those fancy tests you do to determine how good it is. Work with me, people. Baby steps.)
Jenna is going to be one of my favorite contestants to write about, this I am sure. If you have a blog as “the over-analyzer,” that screams A-material.
Shawn works in the financial markets. Even though “the market closed pretty flat,” her shirt finished artificially inflated. I don’t see that bubble bursting any time soon.
I liked the Grandma gimmick, gotta say. It didn’t go on too long and allowed someone else to build her up, which put Brittney in a positive light without being boastful.
Emily rubbed me the wrong way. … Well, she didn’t actually rub me, but you know what I mean. A PHD is awesome. Congrat-the-fricking-lations. So help me if you use that to look down on all the mere college or high school educated simpletons this season.
Oh Jenna, that start was painful! I think we’ve all been there. It’s like if you meet your company head honcho or childhood idol or something and excitedly say “Hi, how’s it going?” They reply: “Great, how are you.” You counter with: “Very well, thank you. How are you?!” … Awkward silence … both thinking we’ve covered this already … … yeah, Jenna, that sucks, but I’m sure this episode will get much better for you very quickly.
Courtney seduced Ben with one flip of the hair and one silky-as-butter stare. That girl is trub-ble. She’s the girl every 14 year-old boy dreams of, every man who finds the right girl had to meet before figuring out what he really wants, and every parent of a dating son fears.
Samantha sash, really? Come on. Stop living in the past. It’s not like guys ever casually bring up their past high-school accomplishments to try to impress (like saying “state championship in soccer, 2001” … ahem … Ben!).
Blakely and Monica sharing their flowers with each other would be a first on this show.
Let’s put something out there, I don’t like Monica. However, with that said, Jenna DID attack a bit with the “if you feel NOTHING at this point, why are you here?” barrage. If you poke a stick at a turtle, you deserve it a little if you get bit.
At least the “reconciliation” between Monica and Jenna went, ah, well? If the offer of sharing a tampon isn’t accepted as an olive branch, there’s not much else one can do.
Looks like we have some crying and kissing to look forward to this season. Please temper your shocked expressions at this revelation.
Until next time,
Your BachBlogger
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