A Man's Perspective - Week 3

Before I get to my advice for the ladies, I wanted to share what was going on in my head as I watched Week 3 (otherwise known as the "I need a daddy, whoops I mean husband" episode).

A Few Random Thoughts
-I've never been to wine country, but if I ever go, I'm excited to be able to drive on the left side of the road with a steering wheel on the right side. I thought for sure that this was a scene from a final episode near Costa Rica. I thought it was a sign that Emily would be in the top 4.
-Seal had another song besides "A Kiss from a Rose"?
-How did Seal get get Heidi Klum? The guy has a gap in his teeth and a messed up face. Am I upset? No. Impressed. This is yet another example of a man's ability to outkick his coverage. This phenomenon happens regularly! Attractive women are always willing to ignore the outward appearance factor and focus on a man's inner beauty. Unfortunately the same cannot be said for me. For the average looking woman, you will never have the chance to marry George Clooney, Brad Pitt or Derek Jeter. On the other hand, I honestly believe an average looking man could marry Carrie Underwood, Angelina Jolie or Marissa Miller.
-Is there an attractive bachelorette that hasn't been divorced, pregnant or had a recent death in their family? Which brings me to my next question...
-Where do they find these people? I've personally witnessed a real world casting opportunity, but never have I witnessed any other reality television show casting. Most of the women are models or actresses that are trying to get some TV time right?
-What is with all of the neon green outfits that the girls were wearing on the group date? I want film of the three hour catfight prior to this scene when the girls were fighting over who was able to get the red, purple, black and blue outfits.
-"Jaime Greene is my therapist" I can't believe Mr. Bach Blogger didn't mention this scene at all. This was groundbreaking Bachelor history. My first thought was "This is new". But it was quickly followed up by "This is weird". Although it did create...drumroll please...

The runner-up quote of the week.

Jaime: Your focus is how do you create the connection. Tune into it.
Brad: I'll heed the advice, tonight is a cocktail party

I loved the way Brad said that last line. Almost like, of course I'll establish a "connection", alcohol is involved.

The quote of the week.

Michelle: "I wish these ninjas would just kidnap these other girls, haul them off and take them into the desert"

I suspect that these comments were followed by advice for how the ninjas were going to use their swords to make sure the girls never came back, but death threats are frowned upon on The Bachelor.

Advice for the Bachelorettes

Ashley First Impression S - First of all, let me tell you that you look really good in the pick that The Bach Blogger posted. But there was one of your comments during week 3 that really made me question your intelligence. "It means so much to me that Brad picked A Kiss from the Rose". Wise up Ashley. Brad didn't pick that song. Seal was the only singer they could book on such short notice. You had decent chemistry with Brad, but I disagree with the Bach Blogger. This looked too much like a friend date to me. I didn't see the chemistry. Also, I couldn't imagine losing my parents and I wonder if it would be possible to not bring it up constantly, but I think you would have been better off not bringing up your father's death on the first date. Did it matter to Brad? I think it did. Brad gave you the rose and then gave you a hug, but he did not give you the passionate kiss that you wanted. This looks like it is heading into the friend zone.

Emily - You answered my week 2 question. Thank you! You were 18 when you were pregnant. This was an important Bachelor moment as it (a) revealed that Emily was 18 when she had her daughter, (b) revealed that Madison was on the show to promote her career but has a heart and couldn't go through with the act any further and (c) that Emily is unaware of her beauty. At the end of the scene she says, "I'm nervous about telling Brad, but I still want to look cute for my date". I don't think that will be a problem. Emily is very very atractive. I still want to see her without makeup, but she was less put together in this scene and I was still impressed.

Alli - I've never understood the whole one strap dress trend. To me it just looks strange. Yes you are showing more skin, but can't you accomplish this with thin straps or a strapless dress? I'll excuse this one, but what I can't excuse is that big ribbon? Maybe I don't appreciate the ribbon because I don't understand fashion, but neither does the average man. This is not attractive. The only thing this tells me is that if you and I started dating, you are going to embarrass me in public in the future. Then, you showed your lack of confidence with the outfit by making a joke about you wrapping yourself up as a present. The result? Brad gave you a nice hug. You were on the fence to begin with, but you just signed your death sentence. I'll give you two more weeks tops. Bye bye.

Jackie - Don't think you are off the hook. I noticed your ugly red flower shoulder strap.

Chantal - Divorced? Your dad died? Where did this come from? You started crying which is a big no-no this early in your "relationship" with Brad, but I think you recovered well. You put a smile on your face and joked around immediately afterwards. This lightened the mood and put Brad at ease. Well played. Your best move though? Going in for the kiss. Advice for other women: If you slip up and get into a deeper conversation than you had intended on a first date, you need to do two things. #1) Lighten the mood and #2) make sure you stay out of the friend zone. Did it work for Brad? Absolutely. At the cocktail hour, Brad told Chantal that he felt like he let her down. She was clearly on Brad's mind. Another interesting subplot, Chantal vs Michelle.

Marissa - Great work! Simple dress. Check. Hair back. Check. You looked great.

Shawntel - Best date award for the week. You looked good (yellow is your color by the way) and you looked like a bad ass in the movie scenes. The momentum is definitely going great. Not too fast, not too slow. You stayed out of the friend zone with your kiss and you are a fun girl. The future is bright.

Michelle - "I'm not going to lie. I hate them", "I don't want to share him with anyone!!". You are an emotional basketcase! But the most interesting quote you had was this. "When I kiss it is going to be a Sensual, Sexy, Slippery kiss" This was weird. I'm not sure what to make of this comment. Should I be turned on? What is a slippery kiss?


Parting Words for the Departed Bachelorettes

Madison - Your fangs were cool. You turned out to be a nice girl, but I don't understand how you could be a model. Cute? Yes. Model? No. Perhaps a vampire or S&M model? If anyone knows, please share.

Kimberly - Your parting words were perfect..."I have no regrets. I wouldn't have done a thing differently. There just wasn't that connection."...but then you kept talking and ruined your legacy..."I think that he was intimidated by me. I'm talented, smart, successful. Some men find me attractive. The list could go on. I could turn around tomorrow and start dating someone. F Brad". YIKES!!

Sarah P - Did you really think you had a connection with Brad? Rejection sucks and I can understand if you are embarrased, but being heartbroken over the 5 minute alone time you had with Brad on your group date is pathetic.

Hopefully next week's episode will be more exciting. I expect at least two more weeks of obvious eliminations until we start dropping contenders.

The Twister Mister

Ashley S and the Brad put on a studio performance only a mother could love … if that mother was Hellen Keller. I think the “producer” dude wanted to have his Simon Cowell moment, but it was just too obviously horrendous to bash. In more promising news for this pair, physical affection comes very easy to them. They would be the couple that starts out with a graze of a hand against a leg or a little hand squeeze quickly escalating to a vertical game of Twister with each other being the game board. For those of you who have ever been that couple, or been around that couple, you know what I mean. It isn’t even overtly sexual, is absolutely impossible to take your eyes off of for observers, and yet is usually believed to be discrete by the participants (which it is definitely not).

Shawntel takes the shockingly passionate kiss trophy away from Britt this week. The self-proclaimed sexy bombshells often disappoint in the kissing department (Michelle), and then the wallflowers overwhelm. I guess it goes to show that passion and chemistry can dominate experience and expectations.

Michelle hopped on a bus to Crazytown, with a pit stop in Stalkersville. She’s delusional. She used her kid with the pouty “am I a bad mother” line. The show probably advises against it, but I wish the Brad (or any Bachelor, for that matter) would turn down the “can I steal you for a minute” line 99% of the time. If being polite is important, just say, “I’ll come find you when I’m done.”

I do generally like how the Brad is handling the situation thus far. (Although it is odd how quickly everyone adjusts to how he barely has time to dry his lips clean from one swath of saliva before encountering another.) Emily’s date started out extremely awkwardly. (“Tell me about you.” “I’m just like everybody. When I’m tired, I get grumpy.” … what? Dear, your locks and your legs are saving you right now.) She was about as open as Bernard Berrian (i.e. not at all). However, the Brad did not give up on her and gave her every chance to reveal something. She does seem to have a very kind and large heart, so I hope they give it a real chance.

Alli is pretty and everything, but somehow comes off as a little masculine to me. She’s got chiseled shoulders. I like sporty chicks, but keep the creatine in the cupboard.

Chantal and Brad have sexual chemistry. I see that. I understand why. I also think she’s trouble. She’s pretty tough and doesn’t get along with a lot of the girls.

I don’t understand Madison’s deal. I think she’s smart and deep and interesting, but her supposed reasons for leaving didn’t make any sense. If she thought she had potential to like him, and he thought he had potential to like her, they should have given themselves the opportunity, for one night, to stop thinking of themselves as co-workers, and instead just be co-people. (line courtesy of Ron Burgundy)

Britt hears all your small-arm taunts, guest blogger guy, and wants to challenge all comers to a chin-up-off. Yes, those arms are skinny, but she was a competitive gymnast, and I have to defend my girl-o-the-moment.

Oracle of Unreality

Hello fellow followers - Won't be able to spit out a commentary tonight. Stop back tomorrow. Until then, I will post the email sent to the participants in the pool, with fake money amounts listed (for IRS disclosure):

Ladies and Gentlemen -

Welcome to the Bachelor Pool. It is an exclusive club; many want in, few are granted entrance. The "relationship experts" among us have laid their reputations on the line to obtain this coveted title. Some have achieved this self-appointed status to the wonderment of numerous scorned former lovers. Others have attained their rank through countless judgments of others, to the point of it becoming a subconscious act. Still more believe they have the answers because they "out-kicked their coverage" with their spouse to the extent that the ball left the stadium, yet feel they somehow deserve or earned such an incredible soul mate. However you have arrived at this place, I am glad you are willing to expose the standing to the occasionally brutal but always revealing world of competition. Let us remember, knowing what the Brad will decide, before the Brad decides it, is a lofty achievement.

At this time, the committee would like to acknowledge a world-renowned Excel-ist. To some, this Microsoft product is a Word document with cells. To others, including our honoree, it is the canvas on which magic is created. Thank you, Steve K. Your talents are diverse, and your contributions are very much appreciated.

Attached, you will find the list of participants and their selections. 1st place receives $50 and the title of Oracle of Unreality. 2nd place receives $20. Third place gets their money back. The longer your choices remain "in the game," the more points you accumulate.

Feel free to update the spreadsheet on your own, adding the "elimination round" on the "Bios and Notes" tab. Updates will also be sent out from time to time.

May the best be separated from the rest!