His Toolness

Fantasy suite night!

A real fantasy suite would be a few hundred feet above and behind Mr. Joe Mauer at Target Field with Lindsey Vonn-derful stopping by to slalom up and down your slopes. If you can't have that, I guess Saint Lucia isn't the worst consolation prize.

How much do these dates cost? Sheesh. Like $30K each? Makes a guy who "springs" for the cream cheese wontons feel a little sheepish.

I'm coming after Jake the Snake tonight. Poor Mr. Dateless is finally self-actualizing his Uber-Desirableness. Aren't we lucky to watch it? Come on, man! Get the act together. Jake, you do realize that one of your final two has said that she has never been in love before, yet she has been married, right?

WARNING: NON-ABC aired content paragraph: Jake, you do realize that this young lady also allegedly took her former husband's life savings for an enhancement procedure when he was in Iraq and then slept with his friend? And that her job as a "marketing representative" was to market those enhancements?

Jake, you do realize that you give lip service to (well, everything, but also to) Tenley's values and then live a very different life, right?

Pavelka's also an athletic poser. Yeah, I'm calling you out, boy. You are a "weight-room" athlete. We see the chisel-ness, but we also see the way you attempt to throw a football, catch a leaf, and skip a stone. Maybe a lady would prefer a current weight room athlete to a couch potato former one, but realize what you are getting - someone who belongs next to a mirror but not on the field.

Jake also constantly says to all the other girls how he's falling in love with so many women. Why say that to them? It seems like as good of an idea as telling a girlfriend that you think about her sister sometimes ... I don't think they like that.

Jake, if you want us to take you seriously and believe you when you say you're in it for the right reasons, yada, yada, yada, you can't keep Vienna around. Those positions are incompatible.

OK, let's go on to more pleasant things.

Jake likes to talk about all of these girls taking a piece of his heart. (Any time I can link to my first crush, I will take the opportunity.)

Tenley, not only is she the President of the Anti-Cankle Club, she is also a member. Wow. If those muscles were any higher on her leg I would call them Cheech and Chong. I feel like men are more likely to give names to body parts than women are. I should probably just shut up now.

Gia is really a nice girl. I'm sad to see her go. Well, I don't mind seeing her go, but I'd also like to see her come back, and then go again, and then come back ... etc. She got a necklace that she will wear on her wrist for the rest of her life ... or the rest of the episode. Gia said "I'm ready to go all the way." Jake wants Gia to "totally open up." I'd really like to make a joke here, but they are not giving me ANY material.

Ali keeps 8 1/2 by 11 glossies next to her bed of Jake, and realized that either the love of her life was slipping away, OR her fifteen minutes of fame were running out.

Next week we get the always entertaining women tell all. Until then, I wish you all a long-lasting Valentine's hangover!

P.S. I would like to dedicate this post to my sister Janelle and NEW fiance Nathan! Very happy for both of them and the upcoming addition to our family! The planning drama that is sure to come won't be half bad either. ;)